CNN.com (and literally 520 other news sources) report that effective May 1, American Airlines will begin charging the very people its responsible for serving (um, you) $8 for a blanky. Oh, and you get a neck pillow, too. Oh, and you get to keep both.

Now, we must admit we always found the sanitary conditions of used blankets somewhat dubious, but we assumed they were cleaned and cared for under the high standards all airlines use when treating their passengers.

BBWWWWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA.

OK, we just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Actually, we cared less because a) we didn’t pay for them; and b) we sort of viewed them like bathroom doorknobs. We knew they were probably disgusting, but you can’t worry to hell about everything. Unless you’re Monk.

Did we mention they’re blue fleece? No other color options were mentioned. Sorry all you Autumns out there.

The mouthpiece from American was priceless:

“American evaluates all aspects of the business to ensure that economic decisions are prudent and strategic for the long-term success of the company,” [Tim] Smith said in an e-mail announcing the decision.

American now follows Jet Blue and USAirways down this practice’s pathetic path.

What next? Coin operated oxygen masks?

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http://guyism.com/2010/01/the-7-most-annoying-people-youll-see-on-an-airplane.html

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“Michael O’Leary, the CEO of Irish budget airline Ryanair, is known for his outrageous behavior and aggressive cost-cutting measures. Employees of his company are reportedly forbidden from using the company’s pens or charging their cellphones with its electricity. And O’Leary has been known to get nasty with customers, allegedly yelling and cursing at one person who requested a refund after a relative fell ill.”

And he only came in at #7. Imagine what his flight crew is like!

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First, try Flying Across America: The Airline Passenger Experience by Daniel L. Rust.

Two sections from the book’s description on Amazon.com make us ache for a more civilized time in air travel: “Americans who now endure the inconveniences of crowded airports, packed airplanes, and missed connections might not realize that flying was once an elegant, exhilarating adventure. In this colorful history, Daniel L. Rust traces the evolution of commercial air travel from the first transcontinental expeditions of the 1920s through the luxurious airline environments of the 1960s to the more hectic, fatiguing experiences of flying in the post-9/11 era.” and “Prior to the 1980s, Americans dressed for air travel in their formal best and enjoyed such luxurious onboard amenities as delicious meals and ample cabin space. What made air travel glamorous, however, also made it more expensive… Rust’s narrative brims with firsthand accounts from such celebrities as Will Rogers as well as from ordinary Americans. Enlivened by more than one hundred illustrations, including vintage brochures, posters, and photographs, Flying Across America reminds today’s airline passengers of what they have gained–and what they have lost–in the transcontinental flying experience.”

Second, and who didn’t see this coming, is How To Complain For Fun And Profit: The Best Guide Ever To Writing Complaint Letters. by Bruce Silverman.

According to the author’s description on Amazon.com, “Bruce Silverman is one of America’s best known and well respected marketing-communication executives. A broad-view strategist, he is probably the only advertising agency executive who ever served as creative director of a top five agency who went on to head one of the largest media planning and buying shops in the world.”

And here’s a brief description of the book from the same site: “When you’re ready to scream, “I’ve had it up to here and I’m not going to take it anymore,” you’re ready for How to Complain for Fun and Profit, the best guide ever to how to write complaint letters to airlines, hotels, merchants, manufacturers and more. Yes, you’ll learn how to vent your spleen. But much more importantly, Bruce Silverman will teach you how to get something back for your troubles – everything from free airline tickets, luxury hotel suites and south sea cruises to thousands of dollars in cash! Silverman ingeniously – and sometimes hilariously – shares the techniques he’s developed over the past 20 years as the ‘King of Complainers;’ you’ll never feel powerless again!”

Both books are available from Amazon.com. Direct links to them are off to the right and down near the bottom on the home page of Aircomplane.com. Enjoy.

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And according to the U.S. Department of Transportation’s October 2009 Air Travel Consumer Report, “close to 208,000 filed baggage complaints (relating to lost, damaged, or delayed baggage, charges for excess baggage, carry-on problems, and difficulties with airline claims procedures) with their carriers.”
What other industry rewards confusion, apathy and incompetence by punishing its customer base with higher costs and gets away with it? (And no, politics is not an industry.)

– Delta Airlines’ fee for the first checked bag goes from $15 to $23 (each way!) and from $25 to $32 for the second bag – but only if paid online in advance. Add and other $2 or $3 a bag, respectively, if paid at the airport.

– Continental Airlines’ fee for the first checked bag goes from $18 to $23 and $27 to $32 for the second bag – with the same bump if not paid in advance online.

– United Airlines’ fee for the first checked bag goes from $15 to $23 and from $25 to $32 for the second – also with the same $2 and $3 bump if you pay at the airport.

– And in a step back in technological convenience and savings, American Airlines doesn’t even offer an online check-in option. They just screw you at the airport for $25 for the first bag and $35 for the second. Maybe they give pretzels during the flight.

As your Spite Attendants, we simply have one question. WTF!!?? Years ago, the morons at First Chicago Bank tried to discourage customers from using tellers by charging a $3 fee. Good thinking. The then 10th largest bank in the U.S. was taken over by the 18th largest bank in the U.S. OK, OK, the customer fee may not have entirely led to its demise – they apparently also really sucked at making loans. But our point is, STOP punishing the customer for being a customer. The airlines are supposed to move people and things. Oh, and the people you’re moving are usually taxpayers who periodically bail your asses out for incompetence, mismanagement and ego.

Here’s an idea, America: Every time you see an airline commercial or read an ad, bill that airline for the time it took you to see or read it. We will be putting up a template invoice and the billing addresses of the major airlines in an upcoming post.

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Can you hear me [lying] now?

We received this letter from one of Aircomplane.com’s readers. Mr. Gach consented to the use of his name. After reading this, think about how Delta might have responded in an emergency situation. Based on Mr. Gach’s account, there seems to be a series of serious communications failures – or outright lies. Not having been there, I resisted editing Mr. Gach’s version by replacing “flight attendants” with “Common, Insecure, Irresponsible, Power-Grabbing Evil Bitches.” See? We can be classy.

If you look at the previous post, you will see the new complaint procedure the U.S. Department of Transportation has initiated. As your Spite Attendants, we strongly suggest Mr. Gach and anyone else on this flight file such a complaint. We’ll make it easy for you. Here’s the link: http://airconsumer.dot.gov/escomplaint/es.cfm

As always, we invite Delta Airlines to respond with its version of events. We anxiously await whatever they would like to tell us. Seriously. Here’s the e-mail address: info@aircomplane.com. But make it good. We know how to translate PR into BS back from the original BS to PR. We’re multi-lingual that way.

Dear Aircomplane.com:

Thank You for reading my complaint. I am sure I represent all people that were on Flight DL 6149.

William S Gach
Avon Lake,Ohio

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The ability to file complaints with the DOT about airline service has been made easier, thanks to their newly redesigned website: http://airconsumer.dot.gov. Here you have the ability not only to register complaints, but to contribute on-time data, baggage mishandling stories, and information about airline safety and security.

According to LaHood, “This updated web site is part of our ongoing effort to improve resources for consumers and ensure that airline passengers are treated fairly when they fly,” adding, “We want to make it as easy as possible for consumers to find the information they need to make their air travel experience as smooth and hassle-free as possible.”

There are other useful links we invite you to inspect, including travel tips, airline bankruptcy information, and the Air Travel Consumer Report, a monthly ranking of airline performance.

The most useful, (and probably the most used) link is for the DOT’s Aviation Consumer Protection Division, where you file your basic Airline Service Complaint. Jot this information down and keep it handy:

By Phone : 202-366-2220 (TTY 202-366-0511)

By Mail: Aviation Consumer Protection Division, C-75
U.S. Department of Transportation
1200 New Jersey Ave, S.E.
Washington, DC 20590

From their website you can also contact them from their website via filling out a web form found here: http://airconsumer.dot.gov/escomplaint/es.cfm

Don’t forget, fellow aviation consumers: keep those numbers, addresses and forms handy every time you fly! The more vocal we are, the better things will be for everybody!

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Also lucky for us, however, can be the subject matter on screen. Most movies at least try to project some sort of lesson to walk away with. Our latest trip was successful in doing just that, in an unintended sort of way.

I know I know – this isn’t a movie blog so shut up. I’ll get to the point.

The movie, “Up In The Air” starring George Clooney taught a valuable lesson – in traveling light. Watch closely – he masterfully dissects the nuances of getting through airport security. Aside from his ability to rack up 10 million frequent flyer miles, his radar at the checkpoint lights up and he cuts through all the maddening b.s. that makes for a slow experience by determining by sight which TSA employee is best or who is best to get behind in line.

His single carry-on bag is light, and his clothes are easy to remove/replace as needed. His boarding pass is at the ready, he doesn’t forget to remove his laptop from his bag, and he knows his keys and belt belong in the tray not on his person.

Let’s face it, we as Americans demand that we are the best at everything in the world, so it makes sense that we have to have the best and most demanding airport security procedures in the world. Have patience during your screening and know that these people are doing their job to keep you safe.

After the Christmas Day underwear bomber, the TSA updated its page to answer some logical questions that arose from the incident. The link is: http://www.tsa.gov/press/happenings/dec25_guidance.shtm
You can check back for further updates prior to your next flight.

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So now it should be: Hurry up and take off! Right? Right?
Uh oh – “We’re sorry airline passengers, there’s been a delay and we have to wait. . .”

Surely you’ve heard the absolute horror stories of passenger aircraft full of paying customers sitting on (or should we say ‘Parked’) the tarmac for 4, 6, sometimes 10 or more hours. These passengers who have been hijacked by the airline are subjected to almost tortuous conditions – little food (hey – airline food is better than nothing in this situation!), little water, and even lavatory situations we care not to mention.

Fortunately, our concerns have been heard and acted upon. According to a recent Department of Transportation press release, a new rule has been made which will “significantly strengthen protections afforded to consumers by … establishing a hard time limit after which U.S. Airlines must allow passengers to deplane from domestic flights.” That time limit has initially been set at 3 hours. “Airline passengers have rights, and these new rules will require airlines to live up to their obligation to treat their customers fairly,” U.S. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said.

There are also other excellent provisions provided for that help protect airline passengers. You can view the full press release here: http://www.dot.gov/affairs/2009/dot19909.htm

Also, from the Regulations.gov website, you can view the final rule on Enhancing Airline Passenger Protections as set forth by the DOT which will go into effect April 29, 2010.
http://www.regulations.gov/search/Regs/home.html#documentDetail?R=0900006480a7413a

As your Spite Attendants, we recommend you print copies of these and keep them in your luggage. If your airline is in violation and you can’t get them to comply, pack extra copies for the other passengers and read them aloud in unison. Now THAT would make for some interesting (and effective) YouTube.

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